Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention. Blah, blah, blah, I did it my way.
That was for you, Tangle.
As for me and this doing it my way, well... let me just say that there's no other way for me to do it. Strictly speaking in a philosophical sense, no one can possibly do it any other way but their way. If doing it someone else's way is your way, it is still your way. I mention this because I've too long been envious of how other people live their lives without considering the truth and beauty of the way I do it. So, in other words, I'm owning up to the validity of how I roll.
And ramble, I shall because I get the distinct feeling that out of all my little internet pals here, only Becky reads them. That is no slight on Becky either, by the way. It's just to say that with that realization comes the freedom to do whatever I please here and say whatever the hell I want to say in which ever manner suits me best. Since I'll get no comments or feedback from anyone anyway, I can continue on with this without concern to the consequences.
Finally, my journal becomes for me an actual journal where I can practice the stream of consciousness stuff that a paper version serves best. I can let loose because in my desire to be loved I flooded the market with my material and out-produced the demand. So be it.
That's where airing my dirty laundry comes in. I'm too lazy to get my notebook and put this down in there and just loopy enough to stick it on the internet for one and all.
Willie Nelson once sang, "You Were Always On My Mind". If I were to sing something similiar, it'd be more like "Everything's Always On My Mind". The issue being simply that though I may not always show it, I'm never without a million thoughts running through my head. And lest you feel like it'd be an opportune time to say, "Hey I do that too, you aren't at all unique", let me say two things: A.1) I do not portend to being unique, and B.2) It doesn't stop with the million thoughts.
Throw in self-loathing and habitual beating up of one's self, then you get closer to what happens with all those million thoughts. At best, I churn out a zillion different ideas a day, but on average, most of those ideas are variations on the same thing which is generally "You will never amount to anything because you've dug a hole too deep and adulthood is setting in quickly, my friend."
For example: I had to get out of Macon for a couple of days because I thought my heart might come right out of the top of my head, making a mess with the power of physical explosion. What happened, though, as I made my way out of town was that I jumped from the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak.
Granted, there were some bright and shining moments along the way -- some desperately wanted and greatly appreciated -- and more importantly, this baptism by fire is producing some clear-headed pragmaticism, but the point remains that I left for vacation and instead worked overtime.
Laundry list:
1) I'm over $20,000 in debt at this moment.
2) I'm unemployed and therefore very broke.
3) I am desperate to get to Detroit where I, at least, have a job waiting.
4) My father has become engaged (congrats, Padre) and will probably screw himself over in order to pursue love, which is what males in this family do best. This means, simply, he'll probably be leaving the state by the end of the year.
5) A dearly beloved and central member of my family has been diagnosed with a serious illness but does not believe anyone should know about it and therefore those closest to him are handcuffed to do anything.
6) Another relative has asked in no uncertain terms that I stay in Macon because the family needs me, thus creating a rather large gap between what I think I should do and what I think I should do.
7) The pressure of two decades of repressing my emotions is literally boiling over to the point where I physically attacked my younger brother. Thankfully, he's a better man than I am and has already forgiven me.
8) The geographical distance between me and the friends I trust has become so disparate that it is hard to find the opportunity to air my frustrations with them, leaving me to do this with no one in particular on a well-disguised dating website. PS: I don't like talking on the phone.
9) Someone I considered a dear friend sold me out and because I lack the requisite forgiveness, I had to cut that one loose. Self-defense.
10) My driver's license, already suspended and confiscated by the Man, has found yet another way to be an obstacle in that I have another speeding ticket unpaid to pay. This looks like it'll take no less than $250 to straighten out just so I can get it back and legally drive again. Legally.
11) That damned apartment of mine is still sucking the little bit of money I make with no end in sight until such a time as I'm able to pay rent on time, which doesn't look possible until November, if I'm lucky.
12) I like even numbers.
The answers to everything isn't apparent yet, but I will say this: I am going to Detroit, I will be available to my family and I will surface from all this. Everything that I'm capable of being will, eventually, come to fruitition. It has taken a while but I'm mad as hell and will not take this any more. This sap-sucking, self-hating, uninspired, unmotivated Chris Horne is about to die. The real me strikes back.
With all these things above, I must mention more of the positive. Namely, Lee Griffith's "Fall of the Prison: Biblical Perspectives on Prison Abolition". Every time I read this book I feel closer to my soul. It reminds me of who I want to be and how to be that person.
In this book, Mr. Griffith outlines the development, use and significance of prisons and incarceration in a Biblical context. While that might not sound like fun to you, it does a world of good to me because he, maybe unwittingly, lays out a simple philosophy by delving into the relationships between God and the followers of God. First, he establishes this in the Covenant with Isreal; then focuses on the advancement of this convenant through the teachings and actions of Jesus.
Perhaps you're familiar with Shalom, a Hebrew term that we usually define as "peace". In some sense that's an appropriate definition but more accurately it encompasses the purity and wholeness of a human community whereas our connotation of peace seems to reflect our "black and white/cut and dried" mentality in that peace would only be the absence of violence or disruption. The Covenant was centered on Shalom and when some thing would break or violate that the appropriate response would be to make wrong things right. In a criminal justice setting, that means that crime would invoke a restorative action rather than a retributive one.
The simple philosophy to which I earlier referred is when it becomes a way of life. That's to say that when I read this for sincerely academic or intellectual reasons, I understand that applying this knowledge requires me to change the way I live. If I want people to be nicer to others and adapt a peace ethic then I must do the same, but more completely. Not to lead by example, but that it would be hypocrisy to do otherwise.
It isn't perfect and lord knows I know it isn't new. All the same, when I'm living with that effort in the forefront, I not only like myself more but I usually love living too. Going through that book for several hours at R.Thomas in Atlanta in the wee hours of the morning this weekend is a memory I will cherish because it is a reminder that I've strayed far from principals in my life that work best for me.
To elaborate, I've almost always been most concerned with pleasing everybody because it usually results in at least temporary reciprocity. Basing my value on the opinions of others, however, has proven painful time and time again.
Now, to put this all together, I can still practice the altruism I enjoy when I'm trying to make people happy (albeit without the ulterior motives) while staying within the confines of the aforementioned simple philosophy. All I must do is consider myself a corporate personality (corporate as in community or a whole, not economically) with corporate responsibility (again, not the buzz words commonly floated during the Enron and Tyco debacles) to the human family. My concern for myself, then, becomes concern for all and vice versa.
That's step one, anyway and yes, it gets more complex but even in that complexity I find comfort. For instance, six years ago I believed that there was no place for the wealthy in "God's Kingdom". These days (and only recently to be honest), I can see financial gain as a normal difference between people the way certain innate characteristics differentiate people. In other words, there is nothing evil in and of itself so being rich or being poor is really no different than being smart or being dumb. Being tall or being short. Yeah, there are physical attributes that one can't help which doesn't translate nicely in that analogy. Still, just because there are things you receive after genetics have taken hold doesn't mean that the analogy doesn't hold water. What I'm saying is that it is all in how you use it. Take your money and disportionately disenfrancise the poor, or share freely and to the point that you are almost on par financially with those with whom you're sharing. Use your intelligence to build these so-called weapons of mass destruction or use it to create a system in which wmds are invalid. Etc., etc.
That was a long, "for instance".
I may or may not jump back into being an activist, rallying and picketing for a better world, but as long as I'm living the best life I can, then I'll never regret it. One way or the other, I will fight myself until I'm back to living the best life I can. On that, you can count.
On that, I'm betting my life.
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