ah shit

At a quarter to midnight, I left the Waffle House. Before then, I'd been curled up -- sometimes asleep -- in the floor of the apartment where I used to live with Christy. I laid there for nearly six hours after a bad phone call with her as I was getting my tire fixed.

At a quarter to 1am, I was in bed at my mom's house. She was already asleep, Jeff and his pal were in the basement. Everyone was at a safe distance but I knew the morning would come soon enough and I'd have to face people if I didn't close the door to my bedroom and lock it.

By 2am, I was up again because I can only lay with my thoughts for so long. And I didn't have any thoughts in particular, just sinking and surrender. It was too late at night to really watch TV and I feared waking anyone with the sounds of a movie -- mostly having to say anything to anyone.

Technology lended me a hand and with the laptop in tow, I watched Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind in my room on my bed; drinking milk and smoking cigarettes as I tried to figure out how to make the volume work. Clothes and boxes and various litter everywhere -- though I'd like to pretend that it is only that way because I'm in the process of packing up and leaving town, the truth is simply that I've almost always been a wreck and my environs have almost always matched.

It is now 5:30am and the sun hasn't even thought of peaking out from beyond the horizon. I'm hoping I have enough time to type this and get out before anyone else wakes up.

Joel and Clementine: good kids. Lucky fuckers, I think. I'm envious because he only had to feel like shit for a couple of days before his memories were wiped out and he got to reunite with her. I've been waiting for about three years now for something that won't happen, something I probably don't need. My Clementine isn't Christy; she is Kris. And I don't know if I'd have her wiped from my mind if I could. It's hard to tell still. Maybe just from my heart would be nice.

And that pressure that continues to build up inside me, the stuff that made me attack my brother and completely dismiss Christy yesterday is so much deeper than Kris. So this isn't about love lost and forlorn me.

I did the same thing to Jessica this past weekend and for no other reason than I'm a scared little shit who wants black and white answers for his shades of grey brain.

Everything I've ever felt -- good and bad, etc. -- lives crammed up inside a little box I keep as far down inside me as possible. Living there, it becomes bad no matter how it entered and it waits for an unsuspecting moment when the lid is cracked and it can escape.

Going to Detroit will fix nothing. Staying here will do less. Having a million friends or none makes no difference. Happy and sad are just the names of the week. You can't go home again because someone tore it down and built a gas station on top of it.

I know better than to want what I used to have and used to be, but it doesn't stop me from doing just that. I have all the love in the world wrapping its arms around me but that doesn't keep me from pushing it away. I have a million and one talents and abilities, but it doesn't keep me from finding new and exciting ways to squander it.

If I keep up this way of life, there will be a point of no return and I think I'll approach it soon.

And I have no idea what I'm trying to say. This isn't a suicide note and it isn't intended to garner any sympathies. If I could make it into anything, it'd be an apology because I'm not sure how I'm going to turn out.

I can hear my mother stirring in the kitchen. Until she's fully awake, she won't be fully aware that the laptop isn't in its rightful place and so if I went in there, she'd be startled.

Now my brother has gone into the bathroom and soon he'll be taking a shower. His friend, Jonathon, will be up shortly after him.

My shoes and socks are next to my bare feet. If I put them on now and time myself with the noises in the house, I can leave before anyone notices I was even here.

And when I get on that road, I will pray that I do everything I should today. I will pray that this goes away and I will pray for everyone I love. I might even pray for me this time. And I might even believe it'll work and do it again later.