Last night I prayed and I didn't even know it. It wasn't like the prayer I used to know -- not the kneeling and supplication; not even the walking prayers of which I'd been so fond.
In thinking out loud with Juliet last night, I complained that this latest stage -- the one I've been waiting on -- has been taking longer than usual. I've trusted God by way of my gut for a long time. When there's something I'm supposed to do and/or somewhere I'm supposed to be, I've known it and waited for clarity. It's served me well. And as I explained last night, I could feel the currents under my feet and I believed I understood that there were options for me. The military, China, etc. I was only waiting on the knowledge to go forth with it.
Hearing my prayer, God replied today by breaking my heart and more importantly, my ego.
Beige Sugar -- who I'd been trying to reach unsuccessfully for what seemed like ages -- called me today and invited me to a meeting. It was to hang out with the White Chocolate Tag Team. But that's not what happened.
For starters, I got there too late to really hang out and the second half of White Chocolate wasn't present. Thing is -- despite never knowing it until it was too late -- I wasn't there to hang out.
When I met B. Sugar, it was here. She was super cute and interesting so I was down. We talked and I was scared. Too much talk about recovery and the baggage frightened me. She made contact a couple weeks later and we had coffee after all. It was grand (go back to my first blog entry for more details). Then something happened with Juliet and I believed that this hand of God was in effect because through the Beige One, I was going to learn how to better deal with the situation.
Aside from her being a truly wonderful person and a dear friend, I've since learned that if anything, she was an instrument to bring me to my next step. Thank you, Rza. I mean it.
The best way to sum up what happened is how Sugar put it afterward. "Did you hear something you needed to hear?" I heard a lot of things I needed to hear.
The first thoughts, which have run through my mind before in regards to this group, were that I needed something like this and I wish I could claim this group myself.
But the knife was too sharp to leave surface wounds. I was cut deeply. Everything from failed plans to doubt and fear concerning God to needing to let go to turning it over to seeking discipline on our terms instead of on God's. Holding back tears almost the entire time, I found myself shattered by the time four particular promises were read. Those promises, I need.
Consider that this isn't olde tyme religion. Saying 'God', isn't God. I've done that. This is new. When I was 12, I was baptized because I was afraid I'd end up in Hell. Today, I woke up to a way out of living in Hell. That's what's happened. That's where I am. The most religious experience I've ever had.
I understand now why I've been feeling the ground stirring beneath me. It isn't to join the military so I can straighten out my troubles. It isn't to get out of town for a while by going to China to teach English. It's about getting better. I'm supposed to stay here to get better.
There were parts of me wondering if leaving was ever a part of the equation well before that. So many good things have been happening here for me, it was hard to believe I should go. Now I know I can continue enjoying the blessings that have come my way, but it must be while I get better. The key is to figure out how that's going to take place. There are a couple of options but I know I can't do it alone so it will be in community.
Happy Fourth of July. Independance Day. Weird.
Time to go swimming.
POSTSCRIPT
I changed my mind. Seeing Beige Sugar in a swimsuit caused my about face. Really, those finely tanned gams are enough to lead any man to distraction.
Okay, okay. I didn't change my mind but I did see Sugar in her next-to-nothings. And by comparison, she's George Hamilton whereas tans are concerned.
But that's neither here nor there.
No, no. Here and there was Maggie Dog. A giant beast of a friendly canine, wet and desperate for my attention who met me at the gate barking and leaping. As much as I love to be loved, I've always had a problem with large animals. That goes triple for the ones who've been swimming and then chose to jump on me. I'd just as soon be mauled by a bear. Fortunately, Sugar took time out of her tanning schedule to clear room on her float for Maggie-D.
Hasn't she just been sweeter than hell today? And she won't take any thanks for it, no credit. Just a catalyst. She did accept a pack of cigarettes, though.
And she looked ESPECIALLY lovely today.
So there's all sorts of swimming going on, which required an extended guest appearance by my pale torso. (A torso now red and aflame.) Lots of floating. Enjoying it all. I didn't talk much because I didn't need to, but it was still very nice.
Snow White showed up finally with Little Life of the Party. The host, 40 Pack, entertained us with an exotic blend of perversion and humor. The young one, K-Pube... well, he was just young. Nice guy, though. Nice guy. All in all, a delightful gathering.
In between searing my flesh and having a cup of coffee at Chez Hard Drive, Snow and 40 Pack helped with some guidance on the journey. Confirming some of the assumptions, dispelling others. Providing clarity and confidence. Most importantly, support. I'm afraid they accidentally made me aware of something for which I'm not entirely prepared. We'll see.
It was supposed to be a hop, skip and a jump to Little Life's party, but I didn't make it. Somewhere along the way, I got busy with the shaking from exhaustion and having to expose so much skin. I opted for a nap but made a deal with the Beige One so I'd get up in time to still enjoy some July 4th cookout time -- her part was to call me after an hour. She forgot and I slept. And slept.
When I woke up, all that was left was an offer to meet the following day. And after I have like three skin grafts, I'll be up for it. Long time, no sunburn. Woo, my old friend. Woo.
Lovingly yours,
Thunder Lips, the Ultimate Male
(by the way, I've peppered my day with excerts from the Rocky marathon on AMC)
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